To be honest, I couldn't be prouder of the perverts at my alma mater right now.
In drag, she looks like a caricature of a Cuban dictator's wife. Out of drag, she looks like a busted Sammy Davis Jr. Still, that's my tía, and you need to leave her alone. Put a forty in her hand and watch her bleached hair twirl as she dances to Tejano music alone on the cement porch, and that's my Tía Terry. I'm kidding... Terry's hair isn't bleached anymore, it just stays that color. And I don't think Bianca was ever a gang leader in the 80s.
She might actually be the other aunt, Aunt Cindy, the benefactor aunt, the one who takes care of you, feeds you, loves you so much, chastises your mother for getting after you, slams a bitch to the ground for you, and guides you while being problematic herself. I think that's why I identify with Bob the Drag Queen when she said Bianca was her drag auntie; Bianca del Rio is every gay Latino's drag auntie.
I gotta say, all joking aside, the impact that Bianca has on me is something that I think more people of color understand. Bianca represents the woman in our family that says exactly what she thinks. Every racist, transphobic, homophobic, xenophobic, sexist, ableist, [fill in your own word] comment she says is exactly the first thing that comes to her head because she was raised in a time when people really said that and meant it. (They still say that shit today, but it sounds funnier coming from a clown in a dress.) The difference between Miss Cheesy Dorito and those hateful people is she knows better, and it's for comedy, and she's a demented hateful cunt that loves to poke a bear she can outrun and out-think. The bear in this analogy is every offended white person and self-hating person-of-color who doesn't get the joke, a.k.a. the majority of the drag race audience who wanted Courtney Act to win Season 6, because Adore was too much of a chola.
I think Rupaul has nailed it every season with who the winner was, but she crowned a glorious queen when he crowned Bianca del Rio. It must've felt was like she was crowning Lady Bunny or Jackie Beat, or someone of that caliber, like when she did Bebe Zahara Benet or Raja or Chad Michaels. I really don't like it when the children come for Bianca in that way, because it's really like pulling off the arm of drag comedy that is intelligent and self-effacing and more articulate than quick bar room banter. I really think she does with words what Kennedy Davenport does with dancing or Rupaul does with singing.
Women like Bianca taught me how to defend myself and those I love. (Yes, I refer to that clown thing as a woman, excuse me.) They taught me how to fight and who to fight for. They were every Hispanic teacher I had who taught me about my heritage and why it's important to carry the torch until the next generation can. The Bianca del Rio persona is so warm and comforting to me, despite being so polarizing to some people, because it really is an ethnic thing. She's a glossy hood-bitch with big hair, big eyes, big lips, and big heels. I think everyone who thinks she's jarring isn't reading past what she looks like and can't see what she means to the disenfranchised little queens who need the type of second-hand mothering she can provide.
I will not have anyone besmirching the name of Bianca del Toro. She's an iconic clown with nice hair and clunky jewelry. Quit bullying her, she only has three weeks left on her visa and I want her last days of life to be spent in a clean hospice facility.
Last night, I had an epiphany: Ali Wong is the queen's rook on my comedy chess board. She is the limitless up-and-down/side-to-side player that defines my mean-spirited crazy. She is the rogue piece that trail-blazes through walls. She's where the right side of my comedy brain ends.
I'm so glad I found Ali. She's gotta be my favorite comedian these days, and the fact that she writes on one of my darling faves Fresh Off the Boat, kinda makes her a rock star in my eyes. I felt such an affinity with her ideology on how to trap a man and why self-empowerment has hurt my class of lazy trash people.
I cry-laughed on the toilet at midnight last night, while the rest of the house slept. My sister laughed at all her potty humor, which is a pretty good feat considering she is very particular with her shit talk.
I think that's why I reacted so happily with her. She reminded me of my twisted sister.
Oh, man. If we ever meet, no doubt we will be besties. Please shove over; we have a lot to discuss.
I don't care if it's a fake, it's real for me. I will always love you, Jake. I know you're a goddamn beast, but I don't care. You will always have my support.
I think at this point, you'd have to be accused of Bill Cosbying a woman for me to hate you. If the headline read "Jake Gyllenhal Slaps Baby", I'd think, That baby probably fucking deserved it.
I hope you keep getting naked, man. Your Oscar is around the corner, and I hope you're just as crazy as you are pretty to look at.
I just finished reading this article, 20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths And Psychopaths Use To Silence You, and I got to thinking, What if I'm a malignant narcissist? What if I'm an operating sociopath?
Then I remembered all the sociopathic fuckers I've met in my life and the few that are still around, and I think, Oh, wait, I'm nowhere near that awful. I'm a cunt-and-a-half, but I am not a horrible person.
What I have is ghetto hood-bitch logic. A man cheated on you? Beat his ass up. A bitch tried to sleep with your man? Beat that bitch up. Your sister tried stealing from you? Set her car on fire. Your boss is an asshole? Undermine them by showing up late and daring them to fire you while still being excellent at your job. An extended relative is being rube? Tell them to go fuck themselves. An ex-boyfriend is demanding for more than his share of property? Set the whole pile on fire, and give him the ashes.
I've been exposed to manic people and genuine sociopaths, and I know when someone is acting out and when someone behaves like your life is their temporary toilet. Sometimes the wild boys and girls I knew weren't trying to discover new heights; sometimes they just wanted to fuck shit up for the sake of their own ego, and that's not okay. I think a lot of us have done the same on a smaller scale, but I've never met a healthy, mature person act like a fucking psychopath unless I was witnessing a boiling point. And even then, that can implicate how a person acts in their private life versus what they choose to show to the public.
Except for children. Every child I've ever met is an operating sociopath.
I really don't like making friends with old people. With old men, I always feel, like, a little worried. Is this a nice sweet old man, or is this guy one of those bastards that beat his wife and ran out on his kids in the sixties? And with old women, oh fuck, don't even get me started. Did this lady fuck up her kids, like hit them, or is she a nice old lady who is a cookie aficionado and always has gum in her purse?
Truth is, any old person can be both a monster and a nice person. They've lived twenty lifetimes before I ever did. What do I know! Each person, with age, has acquired the wisdom and knowledge from experience, and that can change a person, or it may not.
That's why I hit her with my car, your honor. I knew I was at least 50% right she was a cunt once in her life, and on that day, she was gonna get hers.
You wanna know what I really think of Bob the Drag Queen? I think she's a fucking inspiration, she's flawless, and she is my new favorite winner of Rupaul's Drag Race.
My inspiration used to be Bianca, but that's changed. Kinda. I think Bianca is still an awesome winner, but Bob speaks to me a little more, and I think it's because we're closer in age. I really identify with her. I thought it was going to be Kim Chi winning the season eight competition (let's face it Naomi really wasn't winner material), but I secretly hoped Bob would win. I did not believe Rupaul would make a great decision due to last year's bunch of queens. (Nothing wrong with those girls, but the season did fall a little flat sometimes.) I really felt this season was stacked against Bob's personality-type, so I deflated any hope I had for her towards the end -- an when she came out on top -- I couldn't have been happier.
I can't believe I'm actually admitting to this, but last night, I found myself tearing up for Bob. Keep in mind, I watched the season finale like two months ago, and I'm barely getting around to popping this blistering emotional wave. I've been watching her Hey Qween interview over-and-over, and I've been searching for her comedy performances, and I keep getting more and more emotional over her win. I really am impressed with Bianca and Bob's wins because they speak so truly to who I am as a person, that I feel like their glory will one day wash over me, and I can join the ranks of these two and other legendary queens, such as Lady Bunny, Jackie Beat, Sherry Vine, Coco Peru, Varla Jean--you know--true comedy queens. I feel like Bianca and Bob represent the kid in me that is so headstrong and resilient, and is in no way an underdog trying to look for a way out. I mean, I didn't think of myself in that way, even though I probably was an underdog with some aspects of my upbringing, but I don't believe that shapes my voice or my goals.
I've really started to embrace the magical side of drag that includes totally-bananas queens like Katya, Alaska, Willam - mainly anyone with a demented sense of humor and a sharp tongue. I don't know what it is, but I think Bob was the last thread needed in the fabric to encourage me to get up on a stage in a wig and a dress, and try making comedy.
I'm gonna say it now: You're looking at a budding comedy queen.
It's been in the back of my mind for a year now, and I feel close to pulling the trigger on this disaster-to-be. I had no idea that drag could be that, and I feel with how demented my own comedic voice is, drag is a perfect vehicle to drive in. There are jokes that I write down that leave me thinking, "How the hell am I going to tell that one on stage?" Then I saw Bob say some truly hilarious shit, and I thought, Holy fuck - you could do that? You can be a regular comedian? Not a racist, cunty, hateful bitch like Bianca?! Sign me up.
I don't where this will go. I have a couple buddies who already know me as Jaguera, but I think Ruca speaks to the demented ghetto intelligence I harbor.
I'm gonna look a fat hot mess, and I'm willing to invite all of you to watch. Stay tuned.
Can you imagine having this one as a First Lady? Total fucking mess.
Please, shut up. You're a joke, too.